Why “Frozen” is a terrible movie: come at me internet

This post strays away from the original entertainment news I do, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. (possible Disney movies spoilers, but come on, you would have seen them by now if you wanted too).

Frozen has grossed over $400,000,000 in the domestic box office and billions on billions of dollars worldwide in ticket sales, DVD sales, and merchandise. It’s also won 2 Oscars including Best animated film.

Well that doesn’t mean jack shit. You want to know some other films that made a lot of money?

  • Twilight: New Moon – $300,000,000 In the U.S – IMDB rating: 5.2
  • Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – over $750,000,000 worldwide – IMDB rating: 6.2
  • Fifty Shades of Grey – $167,000,000 In the U.S – IMDB rating: 4.2

You want to know some other films that won Oscars?

Birdman won best picture over:

  • American Sniper
  • The Imitation Game
  • Whiplash
  • The Grand Budapest Hotel
  • The Theory of Everything

The Artist won best picture over:

  • Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
  • The Help
  • Moneyball
  • Hugo

Shakepeare in Love won best picture over:

  • Life is Beautiful
  • SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (seriously, wtf)

Not saying all these movies are terrible, but sometimes the academy gets it wrong, and they definitely did with Frozen.

So lets do a quickie break down the plot of Frozen:

Anna Get’s blasted by her sisters ice power. Her parents take her to some rock troll things that have magical powers. They cure her sickness and warn them to make sure she never gets blasted in the heart and that only true love and cure a frozen heart (holy shit someone give me a razorblade). They take out Anna’s memory of Elsa’s powers, and her parents lock Elsa away until she can control her ice magic. Her parents go sailing and die because god forbid anyone with superpowers has living parents. 10 years later, she speaks to her sister for the first time when Elsa is crowned queen. The people of her kingdom find out Elsa has powers and she runs away after freezing over the entire kingdom. Anna puts a hot guy who she just met, who is not even from her kingdom, in charge while she looks for her sister. Elsa learns to “Let it go”, makes herself a castle, a pretty dress, and a snowman that comes to life (because apparently she can create life too). Anna then finds another hot guy (go Anna), and the snowman Elsa created, and they go after Elsa. Through of a series of events, you guessed it, Anna gets in ice blasted the heart, starts dying, and gets cured when she sacrifices herself for Elsa who is about to be killed by hot guy #1. They both live through the act of true love, the kingdom is saved, and everyone gets to go ice-skating, yay!

So, why does Frozen suck?

Well Frozen has more plot problems than Arabian playboys have colourful shirts, or Dr. Pepper has flavours (please pay me. I’ll gladly be a sell out for any Dr. Pepper reps reading). Here are just a few of them; as well as some general nitpicks.

  • The very first scene, before Anna gets blasted with her powers, there is a completely unnecessary scene where a bunch of guys are breaking ice and singing about how they live off it. Not only does this never come up again and makes the movie longer, why would they be later whining about having their kingdom frozen over when their main money making method is selling ice?
  • The main conflict isn’t introduced until 35 minutes into the movie. The movie is only 90 minutes.
  • The True love plot line has been beaten to death. A movie that comes out in 2013 should be held to a higher creative standard. True love is the answer is as much of a cliché as white chicks loving Starbucks, Donald Trump saying something edgy, and college kids acting super informed (myself included).
  • The kingdom has a just accepted the fact that Elsa and Anna are alive and well, even though they haven’t seen her either of them in 10 years. A kingdom would just accept this? Also when both of the princesses are gone, they just accept Hans, a complete stranger and outsider is in charge? I’d riot.
  • Somehow Elsa will freeze anything she touches… except apparently gloves. And don’t give me that bullshit that they’re magical gloves, because the movie doesn’t say dick about that.
  • The troll rocks were only added in to introduce the stupid true love plotline, which could have been done so many different ways; and to force a love triangle between Anna and the two guys, which is obligatory because one hot guy turns out to be evil later. Also they sing a stupid song in an attempt to get Kristoff some action instead of immediately helping a dying Anna.
  • The only reason Anna’s memories were erased was to keep her from playing with Elsa’s powers. Once she grew up, why couldn’t Elsa just tell Anna the truth? She’s a grown ass adult. Why couldn’t their Parents, the KING AND QUEEN OF THE KINGDOM, just order their six-year-old daughter not to use ice powers anymore? surely if a couple crossbowmen are enough to mess around with adult Elsa, a couple guards could keep kid Elsa at bay.
  • When she makes her dress, why isn’t she freezing? It’s made of ice, isn’t it? If she’s immune to cold, it still doesn’t make sense cause she makes ice and snow. Snow wouldn’t be able to stick together and would melt instantly, making her have to make a new dress constantly, and Ice is too solid and would break every time she moves. (I know this is a huge nitpick but I really hate frozen).
  • The fact she can create life is just added in only to make way for a c-rated sidekick. Also Anna remembers who Olaf is, even though she had her memory erased.
  • Hans somehow locks Anna in a room from the outside. If she’s locked inside, just unlock it dumbass.
  • A kingdom that shunned Elsa for having these powers accepts her later because she unfreezes the land. That’s nice she solved the problem, but she is still technically a dangerous freak. Burn the witch? Also, the whole movie she can’t control her powers, but somehow can unfreeze the kingdom just like that?
  • If Elsa can create life, why doesn’t she just make a huge snowman army to defeat the bad guys? She created a humongous terrifying monster to scare Anna away. Why not make that to knock a blade out of Hans’ hands when he comes after her?

There are many more plot issues but I have more to talk about and I don’t want this post going too long.

The soundtrack is meh. Ya I said it, it’s only okay. Other than “Let it go” the other songs are just passable, and “Let it go” doesn’t even crack the top 10 of best Disney songs ever.

Tell me it’s better then any of these:

Circle of life – Lion King

Can you feel the love tonight – Lion King

Hakuna Matata – Lion King

Go the Distance – Hercules

I’ll make a man out of you – Mulan

Still here – Treasure Planet

Part of your world – The Little Mermaid

A whole new world – Aladdin

You’ll be in my heart – Tarzan

Strangers Like me – Tarzan

And there are so many more. Also, “Let it go” can be summed up with one word, YOLO, and that’s shameful.

Another thing Frozen was missing? The big tearjerker moment that most Disney movies have (very few exceptions, Frozen is not one of them). The Lion King had the death of Mufasa, Tarzan had him leaving his mother, Mulan had her Father saying he was finally proud of her, and so on. Frozen has Anna toss herself in front of a blade, but it’s so painfully obvious she’s going to live that it doesn’t even tickle the tear ducts.

You might be saying “It’s just a kids movie”, But that’s biggest reason why Frozen is nowhere near the one of the best Disney movies. It’s just a kid’s movie.

The best Disney movies are the ones that incorporate the whole family. In the Lion king you had cute animation and a great music for the kids, and drama and touching dialogue for the parents. In Inside out, you have beautiful colours and funny characters for the kids, and complex brain anatomy jokes for the parents. In Beauty and the beast, you have scary monsters and furniture coming to life for the kids, and a gripping tale of a beast that just wants to be understood for the adults.

Frozen has some cute little things that kids will like, but the True Love bullshit and the clunky dialogue make it a chore adults to sit through.

You might be thinking, “Well, what came out that year that was better?”

The Croods. It was a touching story about a caveman family, with a father accepting that his kids have to grow up, but its okay cause they will always love him. It also touched on how people need to advance and adapt as technology does. Also, the ending when the father had to sacrifice himself for his family, but then through his determination actually gets to survive the end of the world and live a new life with his family. I mean, it just punches ya right in the feels.

Frozen blows. If it was a stand alone from a new company, it would be a good start. But Disney has been a powerful house in the feels industry. They can do better than this. Make like Frozen and let it go from your movie library (ends on a pun like a boss).

Am I wrong?  Am I right? In your opinion, what is the best Disney movie? Comment below, and thanks for tuning in to this non-newsy type post.

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